arguably the worst (or best) excuse ever.

I don't think you could make this up.

"Florida man tells cops he didn't drink while driving, only at stop signs."

That is just too funny !!
The guy was obviously drunk - very clever - but had multiple prior DUIs & still insisting upon the same baloney.
It is truly sad how such addictions to strong substances make the lives of those affected so difficult.
(Personally, I am very grateful to have stepped away from such things in my youth after seeing how bad things could get otherwise.)

In a local case a little less bazaar than your Florida man, a HP officer was on break in a Denny's restaurant and noticed a fellow who appeared to be under the influence, and followed him as he left the restaurant. The fellow got on a motorcycle and started the engine, whereupon the officer immediately placed him under arrest for suspicion of DUI. The fellow fought the charge in court, even though his alcohol level was illegal, by claiming that he had not moved the motorcycle and was therefore not driving. Of course the judge ruled that sitting on the vehicle and starting the engine was tantamount to operating a motor vehicle while under the influence. For those who cannot help themselves, avoiding Denny's , Donut shops, etc. is probably not an option.